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Are You Exercising?

Dear Nanny,

Yesterday was filled with a lot of emotions. One whole month without you here, how can that be? How can we all still miss you like it was just yesterday that you left us? Griefing sucks. It is the never-ending rollercoaster that I would like to get off now. Can't I just miss you without all the extra pain and sorrow. It is all too much. I am spiraling. I know you wouldn't want that for me. But...I don't feel like me. I'm so scared I may never feel like me because I've always had you to bounce me back to me. To help me find myself. Where did I go? Did I go with you? I feel like I did or your ways are more present in my actions since you left. Sometimes I talk and act like you without knowing even though Momma says I'm more like PawPaw. Oh, Nanny, how did that happen? Well, I would be honored to favor either one of you. You both make me laugh and smile when I need it most. I love y'all more for that. A grandparent-grandchild relationship unlike any other in the world, I do believe.

Grief feels like my own personal exercise - day in and day out without you here. You asked me before you passed if I was working out, I said no, I stopped going. I was too scared to tell you that I had started having trouble sleeping so getting up in the morning was even harder. More like I didn't want to get up. I knew in my heart that your time was drawing near, I just didn't know it would be so soon. I didn't know I would miss you asking if I was exercising so much, I really miss it. I know you'd be proud that I've gone to the gym four of the last five days!!! (BY MYSELF!) I'm doing it. I am finally taking care of my health. Taking care of me maybe the only thing that will keep me sane and from spiraling more. I'll do it for you. I'll do better for you.

Back to yesterday, I got to see both Momma, Daddy (briefly since he was on business yesterday), and PawPaw before I came to your grave. Busy Bee, uh? I'm starting to become one, maybe? We'll see what happens next. Anyway, I had a good time with Momma and PawPaw. It was nice getting to talk about everything and nothing at all. Man, do we miss you. We don't even have to say it to know the other misses you. It is in our words. But, being back home made yesterday a little less heavy in a way. Being with PawPaw made up for you not being here because we actually talked. You would be so happy. I know it was mostly if not all about you, but it was something. We've been talking more at length since you passed. I can tell he is trying to fill that gap in my day where I don't have you to talk to. He is doing his best. We are doing our best for him. He is loved, I promise. He is so needed. We even joked around a bit yesterday. He even wants to be stubborn and stick around for my wedding, how sweet is that? He will be there for the both of you, I just know it.

I'm making it. Even though I cried in the shower for you this weekend after my panic attack, I'm making it. I have fewer really bad days. More like bad moments now. I am slowly getting there and accepting you are gone. I'm trying because I know you'd want me to be happy.

I love you. I miss you.

Until Next Time,


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