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It Doesn't Feel Real

Dear Nanny,

It still doesn't feel real.

Like I said yesterday, I still need you. There was still more for you to do. I can't face it all without you. But no worries, you'll still be included, you always will. I'll write you. Talk to you. Feel you shaking your head at me and smiling right along with me.

I look at your picture and I wonder if I spent enough time with you. I wonder if I gave you your best days or your worse days. Becasue you gave me some of my best days even when you would disagree with me or upset me. The hurt wouldn't last for long. You are the only person I can do that with. Everyone else I hold grudges with like you did, but not to the extend of days or months, maybe more. Mine last maybe a few hours to a day. I just can't do it as you did nor do I want to. But I feel you here and in my decisions. Do you feel my anger? It is overwhelming this week. Without you here, I'm afraid I'll keep falling apart. Because a piece of me went to Heaven and I can't seem to get a grip on life without you and that piece. You took it with you because a part of me will always be yours. Our bond, our laughs, our rants, and our frustrations and eating habits. All of that is ours. I think you took my peace of mind, the part of me that always has hope things will get better. You were always my hope, my outlet to be completely myself. How do I go on without you?

I'm working on that, daily, for you.

I may be empty right now, but I know you'll fill those holes over time by assuring me that I will make it through my life without you nearby. Like I've said, no amount of clouds could keep me from you.

I'll miss popping in your front door and you saying, "How's Em?" But I know one day, you'll see me in Heaven and know who I am and I'll know who you are. Our bond can't be broken by death and life. You have passed on but your spirit is very much alive in the ones you left behind last month. We will carry you with us, forever. I will honor your memory forever. You'll always be a part of my life.

Until Next Time,


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