My Story Wasn't Over
”Please forgive me if I don't talk much at times. It's loud enough in my head.” - Unknown
A semicolon means that your story hasn't ended ❤️ At 17, I wanted to end my life by cutting my wrist. At 23, I show just why my life didn't end there. Six and half years later, I am so thankful God saved me over and over to keep me on this journey. My story was far from over and now I have that reminder that I have a purpose and I am loved. ❤️
In October 2017, I took a poetry workshop and wrote a poem about my invisible scar. That was the first poem I had ever written about my past struggles. It was the ground that I needed to break in my writing. I was finally a little open, and who knew two years later I would published this poem in my collection, "Anxiety Doesn't Own Me."
My wrist slightly cut:
not deep enough to leave a scar
that is visible to others.
A scar that sinks into the skin and
stays but never rises to the surface.
A scar that reminds the person but
not the onlooker.
The scar that saw the pain and hurt
and felt it just as much.
A scar that sinks.
Do you really think I am talking about my invisible scared wrist?
No. The pain, the hurt, the brokenness
lies inside of me.
Not just a wrist, but
a heart, an eye, and a mouth.
The pain, the hurt, the brokenness remains
in me, but not visible to an onlooker.
Now I sit here and look back on all the moments I would have missed out on had I took my life. What if my life would have ended at 17, and I never saw 23? This past weekend when I got my tattoo on Valentine's Day, I was reminded how thankful I am that my story didn't end there on April 27, 2013. The last seven years have been rough, but I am so glad I stayed to experience them. I know now that I was meant to stay and that I do have a purpose even when I don't feel worth it, I am. God wants me here and He has continued to show me throughout the years.
I am definitely not the same person I was at 17, or even 20. I am so thankful to say I will be 24 next month. I am a conqueror, not a quitter.
I am a survivor, not defeated by the pain
that used to swell in my chest.
I am a conqueror, a warrior.
My past is not my present,
definitely not my future.
My scar is invisible -
but so real to me.
One where my life
was almost a memory,
gone by my own hand.
I took a stand,
said no more of this,
fought to stay
if only for one more day.
Seven years later -
two months shy,
I'm still here.
I may battle the same old wounds,
but I have better weapons now.
No longer a teen,
but an adult -
fighting alongside The King of Kings.
The one who kept me alive,
whispers for me to stay -
if only for a few more days.
I'd be in the ground,
instead I stand tall,
above the pain,
an angel on my shoulder,
a fire in my soul,
a heart that won't give up.
If you ever feel like giving up, don't. I know that is easier said than done, but I promise staying is worth all the struggles. Your mental health is important, so please always take care of you. You are worth it, loved, important, and amazing!
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline