Everything is falling apart without you. I feel like no one understands why I am spiraling. I don't mean to be mean or yelling, but it comes off that way. And no one seems forgiving these days nor do they go easy on me. When you first passed people were so kind, but what about now? Not really. It has only been a month and I'm crumbling. I don't feel like myself at all. I feel like you really did take me with you when you went to Heaven. I need those parts back if you don't mind. I am falling apart without them. I can't handle all of this without those parts of me that you loved so much - the sweetness, understanding, and caring side of me. The one you choose to always see in me when others didn't. All I am left with is hatefulness, sorrow, and emptiness. Am I depressed? Am I putting an act on for the rest of the world so they don't ask questions even though I wish they would. Was this weekend a cry for help and no one noticed or cared. They only cared about their feelings, not what it was doing to me. But I cared too much about the others involved and got hurt again. It seems that way. I'm not seen unless I'm yelling. Then, I'm suddenly the bad guy. I'm irredeemable and worthless to that person. So I become that - I stop caring what they think at all. Cause who cares? They'll never see me anyway since I screwed up too many times. If humans are allowed to make mistakes then why does that never apply to me? My mistakes are always broadcast for the whole friend group or piled on me like a dirt pile. No one ever says it's okay mistakes happen, we'll fix it. No, they hurt me to the extreme instead. I get called a victim only because I actually feel when bad things happen around or to me. I'm sensitive. Maybe I shouldn't feel at all - maybe then I would be able to keep friends. Maybe then people would like me. Cause no one likes me right now...I hate myself for letting everything bring me down. I just feel so lost without you. I wish I could call you. I wish I could hug you. I wish I could laugh with you. I miss you.
I'll try to do better for you Nanny. Even if I have no one at the end but me and your memory, I'll do better for you...
Until Next Time,