I needed you more yesterday than I can count on one hand. You would have known how to make all the hurt go away in an instant. We would have cried and laughed about it over the phone. You would have only been that 'a phone call away.' But you aren't here and I'm left wondering what you would have done yesterday. Left wondering how I am going to survive in a world without you. How I am supposed to manage all of these emotions while also keeping up with my life. I literally don't have the energy anymore. People make me feel so bad for not being the one to check in anymore, but honestly, I'm tired of being that person. Because when I'm not, I get asked if I'm still their friend all because I didn't answer my phone. For the last two months, I haven't wanted to or had the desire to help anyone. I just can't fake a smile. I can't fake like I'm not crumbling just for the sake of keeping people around. Then, I showed my real side, my truth, and I was made into the bad guy - for the third or fourth time this year, mind you. I am so exhausted, Nanny. So tired of crying and trying to make people see that I'm hurt, too. And that I am speaking the truth, not lying to make the situation worse. I know you'd never say I was faking a panic attack or that I was lying. No...you always believed in what I felt and how situations made me feel. I need you.
Because no matter what I say or do, I'm always hurting someone and no one realizes it's due to them hurting me. I just suffer and that all the bad stuff they say about me...fighting for me never works.
I miss you. I love you.
Until Next Time,