Dear Nanny,
On my way to work this morning, I cried because yesterday I was reminded that we made a COVID Pact last year. Do you remember? I said that if I went down, I was taking you with me. I remember that conversation so well. How we laughed because we were so sick of the shutdowns and masks. How PawPaw fussed at me for coming over while I was still going to work five days a week. We sat on the couch, on different ends, and bugged the crap out of him as he continued to turn the TV up as he always did. I'll miss that most. You laughing with me and picking at PawPaw. Or PawPaw and me picking on you due to your funny facial expressions.
Last year, the 2020 Pandemic, was hard and amazing all at the same time. No matter how much PawPaw fussed at me, I popped in as much as possible. If you hadn't seen me, you were thinking about me and calling me. Most of the time you would find me about to take a nap, waking up from a nap, or reading in the bathtub. I passed the time. But my best times were spent with you. We were either in the bedroom (Momma's room), on the couch, or on the back porch. Your house won't be the same.
I know you'll be mad at me. I know PawPaw is still there. But going to your house has been torture. I've had to stay away from it when I can. Grief sucks. I feel like PawPaw understands that because of how much time I spent down there. Always the three of us. Okay, he mostly shushed us or drove us around, but he was there supporting us every step of the way. Boy does he love you, Nanny. Even though y'all bickered all the time, there was still so much love there and still is. Your body may be gone, but your soul still lives in all of us and that house. You made that house a home. You made me feel more like a daughter than just your granddaughter. Crazy, but true. You were and still are my safe place.
You created a place where I could run to when I was sad, mad, heartbroken, in love, happy, frustrated, and wondering what to do next. You were there waiting for me. Through all the pain of my life, you've been there. Through all the happiness, you've cheered with me. In your final weeks, I was there for you. Tears and laughs, alike. We did it all, Nanny.
Through COVID I still had that safe place to come, even if it meant a phone call over sitting on the couch with you. You were there for me, always.
I wish more than anything that we could have kept our pact until the end of time. With how stubborn we both are, I believe we could have outlasted anything together. But God had other plans. He knew long before 2020, that He was going to call you home in 2021. I still wasn't ready to say goodbye. I'm not sure if catching COVID instead of Cancer would have made it any easier, but at least then I was prepared to hold out until we couldn't anymore. Now we know that COVID wasn't going to be the virus that got you in the end. Honestly, I am so thankful that's not what happened. You died a natural sickness and not some virus that won't leave our world alone. I hope you are telling Granny and Papa all about the 2020 Pandemic. I bet you are laughing and telling stories from this past year.
Anyway, Nanny, I love and miss you so much. I don't think this ache will go away. I know with time I will keep finding ways to honor you and the impact you left on me. You left a big hole in my heart and life, but I am so happy you aren't suffering anymore.
Until Next Time,
Em